I haven't met anyone who chooses to be afraid. Most of us would think that fear is something that happens to us. We tend to believe that we are victims of fear. However, as a pastor and person of faith, I know God calls us to choose not to fear. 365 times in the Bible (one for each day of the year), God says, "Don't be afraid." The book of Second Timothy in the Bible states that God did NOT give us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and self-discipline. And John states that perfect love drives out fear. Pulling these together, along with psychological research (I always start with God and the Bible because when there's an issue with something, you always want to go back to the designer of that thing. And since we are created by God, it's wise to discover how He intended us to operate.). We discover that fear is something we have the capacity to NOT practice.
Like you, I've heard the expression that courage is not the absence of fear but doing what is right in spite of the fear. We must find something more valuable than the fear. We must want something or value something more significant than the thing we are afraid of. This is why a parent can run into a burning house for their child caught inside. This is why someone can confidently walk into a job interview knowing the desire for that new job outweighs the anxiety and fear of rejection. This is why some can go "cold turkey" from an addiction because of the pain they see that addiction causing their children or spouse.
As someone who is intimately aware of fear and anxiety, I've reflected recently on the cost of allowing fear to dominate me. I'll be honest, like you, I've thought I'm a victim of my fear and I've no choice but to grit my teeth and wait for it to pass. Meanwhile, that same fear did not pass before it cost me so much. I never realized I had a choice or maybe I didn't want to see that choice. But I'll tell you now, if I can save you some of the high cost of fear, I want to do it. Allow me to offer a few of the "costs" of allowing fear to "win" in our lives.
Fear is Expensive:
1. Fear paralyzes action - When we live under fear, we tend to become paralyzed by "what-if-itus." We say things like, "What if this happens?"; "What if I make the wrong choice?"; "What will people think if I do that?" Time passes while we wait for the fear to subside, only to discover that we are further away than we ever were before and often miss out on something great or even something a little better than what we had before. Inaction IS a decision, and when fear is the cause, the decision is typically wrong. (Caveat: there are times when prudence, gathering information, or building unity are a reason to pause action, but I've seen, more often than not, good leaders get paralyzed by fear and disguise it with rationalizations that are merely fear dressed up to be more acceptable).
2. Fear harms relationships - When we allow fear to dominate our lives, we tend to be less than authentic with one another. We spend our energies trying to figure out what the other person wants to hear or wants us to be. We then try not to ruffle feathers, stuff our emotions, and begin living from a "false self." We create an image and then spend our time projecting and protecting that image. This causes us to feel more and more alone, complaining that no one really knows us and no one really sees us. In worst-case scenarios, we also begin manipulating and trying to control others as a way to "manage" our fear and insecurity.
3. Fear makes us selfish - On the surface, you may argue with this one because it doesn't "feel" selfish. In fact, the term psychologists use is "self-protection," but I always wonder, why do we feel the need to "protect" ourselves? And how do we try to protect ourselves. Remember, anxiety is fear that is dysfunctioning, it's telling our brain that we are in danger of losing our life, when the consequences and possible outcomes are merely emotional distress (not loss of life). Since our brain thinks we are in danger, it throws anything it can to protect itself. This drives all our attention and energy inward, focusing on ourselves and ignoring the people and needs around us. All the while, we tell ourselves that we are in danger and are justified to focus on ourselves.
4. Fear knocks us out of alignment with God - I think of the story from the Bible of Peter who famously denied he even knew Jesus, even though he was Jesus' right hand man. After Jesus death and resurrection, Peter returns to fishing. While there's nothing wrong with the profession of fishing in the ancient world, it's not who Peter was meant to be. He went back to what he knew because he was afraid that his failure disqualified him. He was afraid what Jesus might say or the rejection he might experience, so he made it easy on himself and ran back to what he knew. It wasn't until Jesus showed up and demonstrated love and grace towards him that Peter decided to get back in alignment with his God-given purpose and calling. I think of how many times I've allowed my fear of rejection to shrink back, to busy myself or to beat myself up, completely stepping outside of who God made me to be. Afraid of what He might say or do, I let fear dominate, completely believing a lie that God is not for me and God is not gracious and merciful. The best version of you is only found inside of relationship and alignment with God, don't let fear cost you your very self.
There are many additional "costs" of fear but hopefully these are enough to get you thinking and hopefully bring you to a place of courage. For me, I had to get so "angry" at what fear was costing me, that I chose to step up and embrace the life I was meant for. Fear doesn't just "pass", in fact, the exact opposite happens, when we give in to our fears, we tend to empower them and they grow and multiply. Courage is what you need and I hope you'll embrace it.
By the way, every time one of those people in the Bible chose to "not fear", it was because they valued the Truth of God and the faithfulness of God OVER the lies of the fears. They chose to trust that God was in control and over it all, and that gave them the courage to rise up to what was in front of them, knowing the battle wasn't really theirs anyway. And God always prevailed. True and lasting courage is based on trust and relationship with God first and foremost.
If you want to know whether fear is active in your life I've created a free assessment tool that will help you discover the 5 most common fears of leaders and a workbook to begin to move forward in spite of them. Click here for this free resource: www.lifeinprocess.com/fear
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